There are some things that still make me feel weary. Whenever these issues suddenly appear, my heart just falls to somewhere I can't seem to find.
Sometimes it's just weird that I enjoy talking to some arsehole strangers rather than friends or aquaintances. Perhaps because strangers start off a conversation with a clean sheet- you do not know what to expect, so you can expect alot, or just nothing. While friends, you have plenty of "history" with. Everything has been smudged with clashes of ideology now and then.
With strangers, everything is light-hearted. Even if you know they are really some arseholes and that nothing from them can ever be taken seriously, you do get something nice outta the conversation.
***
I feel really weary when after what seems like forever, people still do not understand anything about you at all. This makes me doubt the way I express myself. This makes me doubt the person's understanding. This makes me doubt ever trusting anyone at all.
I guess this all explains why I've been retreating into my own shadow. I talk less. I've stopped expressing most of my views. I just let my smiles or simple acknowledgements dismiss any possibilities of really speaking up. Without speaking, my face can well beguile anything from the most neutral of things to the most negative nature of matters.
***
Two years ago, this lonely old woman came and talk to me at ECP. I remembered she was a rather respectable lady who has lost her superiority through the years. She used to be a principal of some school and her kids left her for their own lives. She was well-fed and well taken care of since she had a maid, who seems to treat her fine, with her.
At that time, I was amazed at how she could just open up to me- some loser kid in ECP after school. She seemed so revived after our conversation and the way she bade farewell to me seems like she knew cannot expect anything from this newly formed, tender, friendship.
She poured almost her lifetime to me without reserves, and asked for nothing in return. I guess she was wise enough to know that nobody could give her any solace.
A wise lady and I wish her well.
***
I guess there's a boundary for everything. Certain things you can just shut up and get over, certain things you just needa do something for the sake of any future at all. In the end, whether anybody understands your thinking or actions, I guess it doesn't matter. For you only have to account to yourself and people who love you.
Sometimes it's just weird that I enjoy talking to some arsehole strangers rather than friends or aquaintances. Perhaps because strangers start off a conversation with a clean sheet- you do not know what to expect, so you can expect alot, or just nothing. While friends, you have plenty of "history" with. Everything has been smudged with clashes of ideology now and then.
With strangers, everything is light-hearted. Even if you know they are really some arseholes and that nothing from them can ever be taken seriously, you do get something nice outta the conversation.
***
I feel really weary when after what seems like forever, people still do not understand anything about you at all. This makes me doubt the way I express myself. This makes me doubt the person's understanding. This makes me doubt ever trusting anyone at all.
I guess this all explains why I've been retreating into my own shadow. I talk less. I've stopped expressing most of my views. I just let my smiles or simple acknowledgements dismiss any possibilities of really speaking up. Without speaking, my face can well beguile anything from the most neutral of things to the most negative nature of matters.
***
Two years ago, this lonely old woman came and talk to me at ECP. I remembered she was a rather respectable lady who has lost her superiority through the years. She used to be a principal of some school and her kids left her for their own lives. She was well-fed and well taken care of since she had a maid, who seems to treat her fine, with her.
At that time, I was amazed at how she could just open up to me- some loser kid in ECP after school. She seemed so revived after our conversation and the way she bade farewell to me seems like she knew cannot expect anything from this newly formed, tender, friendship.
She poured almost her lifetime to me without reserves, and asked for nothing in return. I guess she was wise enough to know that nobody could give her any solace.
A wise lady and I wish her well.
***
I guess there's a boundary for everything. Certain things you can just shut up and get over, certain things you just needa do something for the sake of any future at all. In the end, whether anybody understands your thinking or actions, I guess it doesn't matter. For you only have to account to yourself and people who love you.
posted by maurade at 9:16 AM
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